murderer

So here I am, I’m dreaming.
I am an aid to an older man.
I don’t hate this man; in fact I rather like him.
But for some reason he needs to die
I have to do it myself
it seems to be the only way to help him
Late at night, I creep into his room with a gun
I put I silencer on the barrel, and shoot him in the head.
I pull out my knife from the inside pocket of my formal suit.
And I chop his body up into little pieces and place his internal organs in my pockets.
I go on to shoot several other people in the same fashion, same motives; every time changing my suite to hide the smell of grotesque viscera . I cut up their bodies and place their organs in the pockets of my other suits.
after all this is done i meet up with my older sister Erin.
My sister is cold, she wants to borrow a jacket.
I get scared, and I tell her no.
She insists and grabs the first one she sees.
I watch with dread as she slides her hands in her pockets, but there is no negative reaction. She picked a coat without hacked up body in it.
She wants me to go to church with her. I don’t want to, so I stay outside and smoke a cigarette as she is inside.
She says she is disappointed in me for not going to church. I tell her that if she really knew me, church would be the last thing she would worry about.

fuck cancer

I start to feel the drunk take over my body
Like a machine
Im starting to feel mechanical
I remember what I used to say about drinking
“I like it because it makes me feel human”
Which is something that I have been trying out.
i can watch my dad in the same room as he is watching an R rated film in his underwear.
He doesn’t care that I know
Because he knows I wont tell
It’s the only bonding moments we have
And I cant tell anyone about them
Or talk to him about them
Because they are secret
And awkward.
He says that he is a man of god
But I think that ‘he thinks’ he is gods “secret agent”
Making sure that the filth is good for me
Because he is the only one in my family
That knows that filth comes from god too.
He doesn’t know that I have been drinking
He doesn’t know that I ate magic mushrooms.
In my alone time, I don’t pretend that my life is pretty
But when im elsewhere, its all that I have.

most angels have wings, you have a septum ring

That’s me, through the window screen
And im still uncompensated
And im still obliviatted to the meaning of it all
Her you are, so beautiful
And so awkward
That I cant focus on the immediate consequence
Of asking for your commitment

Do you really think that we could be together?
I think so, but I also thought the world was round
And I also thought that maybe aliens visited earth
And I also thought that math might be in explainable to most
And I also thought that life was a series of questions,
And I also thought that we were revolving around the sun
And I also thought that we were sentencing ourselves to death
And I also thought that we were correcting life to the fullest

But I was mistaken, we are progressive
And you were that girl who always drank more than she could handle
And you were that girl who threw up after too much
And I was that boy who threw up after an un explainable phenomenon
And I was that boy who threw up after not knowing what would happen
And you were that girl who saw through me and recognized potential
And I was that boy who left
And I was that boy who wanted to be alone
And I was that boy who saw you as beautiful
And I was that boy who wanted you to be special….

Exerpt from the life of near sighted visionaries

Here we have the pseudo intellectual spouting beer soaked slurs again, flailing his arms carelessly; one more stutter and they might fire.

He says a phrase in a gregarious setting and hells eyes shine back.

So he removes himself from the awkward air to kiss the girls.

He starts to believe his is god

He starts to believe he is drunk;

It’s becoming hard to say his words straight

In the same purity of talking with a live coal on your tongue.

So he finishes his evening passed out with a beer in hand

Spilling his visions of drunken ecstasy

...,,,///hhhyyy,,,<<<<

Two more weeks before we die
under the weight of expectation.
Saving the world with blankets tied to our necks,
we like to pretend.


Most people are like rabbits on a treadmill
Showing off how fast they are running
but not really going anywhere.

I would have thought that re-birthing would be easier
But escaping the womb hurts no matter how many times you try it.

66 Just that closer to the beast

Watch me

You couldn’t watch me from afar

And I was…susceptible

Too many things in this house were broken

Including the family

We were only doing what

We thought

Was best

But now we doubt ourselves

I am just a script man

I only write the stories

And I never act them out

These people around me are the actors

And I have always felt doubt

Always

They never understood my writing

As chaotic as it might be

And I am only just A coward

A Serpant

A Man

Behind the curtain

Don’t lead me to my fate

For I have seen it before

You have ever known of it

I have seen the resurrection

And I am

Just the ply wood

Just the nail

Just the crown of thorns

I am only here

To inflict pain

Brother?

Brother,

This world in which we live is slipping through our fingers.

The men want their wars

The women want their make up

And The Children want their video games

There was a time where we all used to look at each other in the eyes.

Brother,

I have walked these streets in search for god.

I have found forged scriptures on the bookshelves of saints;

And his words inside of garbage cans

Under expired milk cartons

I have heard what the prophets said.

It seems to me when they start shouting they never shut up.

Brother,

All of my girlfriends

Have been raped by their boyfriends

And no one will get off of their cell phones,

To listen to them.

I heard my sisters crying for mercy,

tied to the back seat

Of the family friends car

As well as my brothers screaming at their Sunday school leaders;

Telling them to take their hands away from there.

Brother,

We are all so scared,

And we are too high on drugs to change anything

We walk to streets shit drunk and hope for the best

When will we learn to Sober up

And fight this?

Brother,

Nobody really wants to die

There are people with guns and knives and nuclear devices

And we are hiding in our houses with the curtains drawn

Brother, we are scared for what is to come

We want the world to be beautiful again

I saw it on the faces of my friends

Brother,

When will we be whole again?

Apocolypse

The end of the world is upon us, Scientists have built a machine that is to recreate the big bang...
this may cause worm holes in the space time fabric of our universe..
maybe its time for me to find god.....

...

I miss my Zombie Dreams
as well as my afterlife dreams...i want them to come back

sex dream with a twist

i had the coolest sex dream of all time the other night.

here i was in the playboy mansion of sorts geared towards that of the suicide girl archetype, with naked tattooed girls were beautifully strolling around the place with pleasant smiles and drinking wine.

one of the girls caught my eye, and in reaction i caught hers, and we exchanged greetings and proceeded outside to a wide array of men and women fucking in the grass. she put down her drink and i followed suite and she kissed my neck and lips and chest. i was getting quite excited and as she was rubbing my nipples with her tongue i looked at one of the couples laying in the grass close to us.

i noticed something was strange about this couple, as the boy was laying pretty still for a short time and the woman was fiddling around her leggings for something. the girl fumbled around her legs to finally retrieve a large buck knife. i watched as she started to saw off the boy on the grasses legs. i could hear the boy scream but no help seemed to come from anywhere. i watched as the girl took one of the sawed off legs and took a rather large chunk out of it with her teeth and smiled with a masticating mouth.

i was getting pretty worried at this point and i pulled my lover up towards my face to question her about it, and in reply i received just "Don't worry about it, and just kiss me." so with hesitation i did just that, she started to bite my lips (which normally i am very fond of) and one of these bites seemed to be quite more than i expected and sent sharp pains through my face. i gasped in pain and she went back to her business in kissing my neck. i reached up and felt my lips to discover that half my lip was hanging off.

this freaked me the fuck out, and i quickly started running as fast as i could out of the place.


Dreams are very strange, even sex dreams arent what i expect sometimes.

this one seemed to come straight out of some strange Grindhouse movie.

maybe one day i will make it into one.

I rent the ocean (part four-the itch)

I drank from the ocean water for thirst

I ate from the plants surrounding us all

Each taste was even sweeter than the first

There was no famine for life to withdrawal

I felt the whole of emotional bliss

The warming embrace of important men

And the gentle touch of a woman’s kiss

Leaving me, the holy child of Zen

But still I felt, a strange aching inside

Something I couldn’t begin to ignore

I couldn’t have started to try to hide

That living had something to offer more.

That something was whispering in my ear

This was not the time that I should be here

Letter to Chani

heartbreak is hardcore, i just got an email a few days ago, and in it, I unsurfaced a flood of suppressed emotion.
just now i found the courage to email her back...
sometimes, the heart experiences a feeling close to stagnate water, and when a flood comes, everything just seems to wash away with it.
i dont know how to react to life, but a friend told me once, that i shouldnt be ashamed for how i feel.
I still struggle with that, but her telling me brought me a little bit more freedom to finally wash down stream with the river, instead of remaining stagnant.
i dont know if any of this makes sense, but its nice to write it down...

Letter to Chani
First off, i want to make clear
that i don't in anyway hate you.
I couldn't, you were to awesome
to me to give off any sort of feeling
such as that.
Second, i understand exactly why you
didn't call me, answer my emails, speak to me, et cetera.
I figured sooner or later, that it had to happen,
i just wanted you to tell me.
when you stopped talking to me, i felt
that i did something wrong. you seemed pretty
demanding (quite understandably) to get your necklace back,
and when you wouldnt answer a single email, i thought you
were pissed off at me.
i racked my brains for something i might have done wrong
and the only answer i thought was that (not to mention
i took you on some pretty lousy dates)

I really liked you...a lot.
I understood that you had to leave, I am in a constant
state of leaving myself, and i understood the need to get out of here.
it took me a while to deal with the excitement that you showed towards me and the silence that followed.
i ended up doing a lot of writing, i jumped on a freight train....i left for a week to clear my head.
it took me a while to deal with that....
even then, when you emailed me i didnt know what to do.
a flood of suppressed emotions just fell from my pours and left me in wonder.
thus the reason it has taken me this long to write back...

i miss hearing from you. I wanted so many times to write you and ask you how California was treating you, but i figured you didn't want to talk.

as for the book, i didn't really expect you to read it.
but im glad you appreciated it. i was thinking about it a few days before and remembered a part about how the main character, Charlie, had a wonderful feeling. the feeling he said was one that "made him feel infinite" and thats the way i would describe our adventures together, lame as it sounds.

and last of all, you dont need to apologize for what you did, though i appreciate it.
no one should ever feel bad for the way that they feel.
emotion is something that should be free, you shouldn't restrain yourself even if it ends up hurting in the end...

My address is 12 east 1400 north, american fork, utah 84003
and my number, should you decide to call me, is 801-756-5973.

i still think of you, we had some wonderful times together.

Slow, movement, Lullabye and closure

We spoke so slow, by the tree.

I was feeling a bit slosh and you,

You were smiling at the people passing.

I asked you a world of questions

You seemed to answer them all

And we left it at that to start lip making.

Movements so slow, I liked that

And you moved your hand onto mine

We were only a small part of that night.

You lay on the couch

Pulled down to make a bed

And I placed my hand over yours

With our eyes closed.

Your breath

Inhale

Exhale

I counted each one

We were just strangers in this moment

And you felt my eyes on your hair.

Movement

Slow Like before

And the lips made their own

Again

Your friend drove you home

And I, the same

We passed our goodbyes with eye contact and each others name.

Awake Revamped

Awake!!!
the sky is set aflame
and all that was once of god

Will rise and fall with the sun

Within this barren state
we break the branches of willows

Striking ourselves in disobedience
Then pilling our flagellants

To build funeral pyres for the damned.

I saw a message in the clouds

Spelling out something subtle

Both esoteric as well as sacred it read to me as:

AWAKE!
My angles have abandoned me

And my demons never cared

They were figments in my head after all

They were never really there.

what’s a man to his soul?
and what being might i be
that i might be sold?
Awake...
the time has come
to reclaim
the heavens
and earth...
And yet that word still rings strong in my ears
AWAKE!
I saw it in a strangers eyes
Awake...
I heard it in between his words
AWAKE!
I’ve yelled out on the corner of streets
I’ve screamed out to the waters of silence
and yet no one breaks quiet.
(Awake)

I rent the ocean, part three

I slept under the stars and moon above

With a blanket I brought along the way

No tent did I erect for safeties glove

For the rains were always warm on my face

I awoke to the multitude cheering

And my tired eyes opened to the scene

Another man traversing the clearing

Immersing him self in the water clean

When he could touch the bottom no longer,

He dipped his body beneath the ocean.

Using each wave as a sacred alter,

A baptism to prove his devotion.

At the moment he fell beneath the waves

He was liberated as fleshes slave.

Mechanical Masturbation

I masturbated at least five time yesterday.
i touched myself to at least 50 porn websites.
Each one had pictures and videos of women who would moan when the man got close to her.
She would say things like "I love to eat married Cock." and "Oh, professor, get your dick in deeper."
And the guy would just stand there with his dick out of his pants pumping away, no skill involved.
The last time, I got bored of looking at the porn so i turned the computer off with my dick still in my hand.
i went to the shower and turned the water on to a comfortable temperature. I striped off my clothes and walked into the shower and started to rub my penis up and down very fast as i was accustomed to doing.
i could feel the climax coming very soon, so i started to pump myself harder.
Finally i let it all go, and i felt a moan rise from my throat. then i thought of that woman in the video i saw earlier, and i felt embarrassed. then i looked at my hand pumping the sticky white sperm out of my urethra, and i felt mechanical.
i washed off my body with a bar of soap and turned off the water. i dried myself and put on some clothes from the hamper that didn't smell as bad as the others.
I looked around my room and realized that i was the only one there, and that made me sad.

The Death Of Zombie Cat

In a half an hours time, i will be going to the vet to put down my zombie cat.
im surprised that he has made it this long, he is around 18 years old. i got him when i was three.....
he has known everything i have ever known, grew up all the places that i have...
and now i have to deal with his death....
thats really strange to me
im really sad to see him go, these last few months have been strange too, he has started to get more affectionate, the only problem is that every time i touch him i feel like im going to break his bones.
he came into my house last night and when my dad picked him up to put him back out into the garage (thats where he lives) my dad had a large bloody spot on his shirt. that cat seems like he is in so much pain, he eats constantly but never gets fatter, i think he has worms, and they are starving him to death.
This is the first pet i have had to put down.....
i feel really weird about it

Lion cub and train pirates dream

I jumped on a train and it took me to Portland.

When I got there I met up with all my old friends who relocated their house closer to the train tracks. The trains would come twice a day and my friends would jump from their roof and onto the speeding trains. These trains were filled with food and necessities to live and they would throw these necessities off of the trains to the others and they would catch the food. We all ate very well, and rent was cheep because of the train tracks, so no one had to work that hard to make the rent. And they would all take turns supporting the low rent cost.

My dad came up from utah to drop off some of my stuff. And (I was going to room with hana) I was setting up my room when he knocked on the door and I answered and he came in with boxes and trashcans to clean up the packing mess.

We unpacked all of the boxes and he was trying to throw them away, and he kept looking at the screen and assuming it was pornography. But it was something that hana said was nostalgia tokens that she cut from various movies and things she recorded. I remember these nostalgia tokens were almost everywhere I went in the dream and I would stop and look at them from time to time. Like when I went outside to take the garbage out and my dad tried to place the cardboard in the trash instead of recycling and I told him that people were very adamant about recycling around here and so was I, and he told me that I was just being hard to work with, and I showed him the nostalgia token TV screen and it started singing about recycling and the importance there of in a cartoon manner. So we went back into the house and my dad said that he had a present for me. And gave me a book entitled: How to raise a baby lion cub.

And I said that I didn’t really need it because I didn’t have a lion cub, and he said that that was the real present, and he brought in this very beautiful black and silver lion cub and hana and I were trying to figure out what to name it and we both said we didn’t like the name stripes (it came up due to the silver stripes on her) because we both had our first cat ever named stripes. So I suggested Claudia and she agreed and I was reading through the book and I read on the inside page why it was important to read this book.

“because it is a baby that needs care,

And it is a dragon on the streets

And It needs to grow up someday and needs to behave.”

I was teaching it not to bite, and hana was starting to fall asleep, when one of our roommates came in and started to pet it, and it playfully bit him. He got very upset and started to try to hit the lion, and I was PISSED, and I rushed over to the lion cub and throw my arms around her, and protected her from the noise and anger of my roommate.

And that’s when I woke up.

letter to chuck

last night i got very emotional with a girl i had feelings for a couple of months ago. we drank quite a bit of gin and i started telling her how scared i was of her, as well as how i feel stupid for feeling the way i do, and that i am learning to forget it.
and then i passed out and woke up and she made me a wonderful vegan breakfast.
im trying to figure out how to be human these days, im trying to understand why i feel things, and im trying to figure out my dreams.
i had a dream the other night that i watched giant dead sheep burning and rolling down the road like tumbleweeds and all i could do was laugh.
last night i dreamed that a girl called me up and said that she missed me, and i told her i didn't know who she was, and so i hung up on her after she told me that she would see me on Thursday and i told her that i still don't know her. so i walked down the street to go to a peyote church meeting and tried to listen to the guy talk, but this drunkard kept talking over him in Spanish, and i couldn't pay attention.
im still in utah, but im trying not to be. im looking for a job, so i can save money and move away, this time indefinably. so when that happens, (3 monthsish i figure)
ill be looking for a place to live in portland.
i miss all of you kids up there.
i have the picture you drew for me on my bedroom wall, and it makes me feel a little bit more at home when i see it.

I taste like salt

I can feel the salt escape me and my nutrients rest in the sea.

This calming release of nature regression helps me fall back to mother water.

See! See! This is why the water is in such high salt saturation.

It is the first few footsteps to our rebirth.

Look at all the bodies leaving their souls; evaporating themselves on to the afterlife.

The ocean welcomes all who wish to be reborn with loving arms;

Cradling them towards the clouds to be rained into the roots of trees.

Consciousness itself eases to its familiar height.

Mother water to mother of birth.

I will become a new born another time

To live another life

And repeat the circle of life.

Letter to a lost generation

Hey Emo girl/Goth girl,

This is the voice of your retired god speaking. I was the boy with the long bangs and the fashionable androgenic barrette, wearing the ‘my chemical romance’ tee-shirt and the saddle bag draped over my shoulder. I was the one with the pretty face that made you question my gender and sexuality. I was the one constantly working on bad poetry in the form of suicide notes. I had my tight ass jeans barely stretching over my apple shaped hinny. I swore off god to you on several occasions but still doubted myself in personal prayer. I wanted the world to change so they could understand my inner angst.

But while in the seemingly height of my godly development, I quickly decided to abandon all spirituality. I figured, ‘In the paths I am walking I can not find ultimate truth, therefore I shall erase all that I have known in body and walk only as pure spirit to find my new godly vessel.’

So I left my old ways as your god, little by little. I lost the emotastic hair style equipped with fashionable accessories and went further into my depression to the point of nothingness. Existential suicide was my goal, and I built a foundation in the nothing to find meaning in the something. Thus your praying eyes and outstretched palms went to new more flashy gods.

‘Thou shalt worship the damned’ became the only motto, and the strive for perfection was only a lost cause. You didn’t want to see things get better, but only improvement of the hell you lived in was your only cause.

Your gods became darker than I could think to become, and I became a nothing. When I came again unto you from the mountains of Sinai with my own tablets of god, you were worshiping the golden calves adorned in the rock and roll attire.

On the point of existential re birth, you wanted nothing left of me. And thus I retired into my own abstract caves of progressive thought.

When your voice cries out in pain from the pointless despair you sunk yourself upon, You will call to me in the words of tears. I will hear your wet prayers and reemerge from my retirement and lead your generation into a new birth.

In the words of the profit Aliester Crowley, “Do what thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law”

And I will lead you to a new era

Sincerely yours,

God

Stale

I’ve reached a stalemate

There are no winners or losers

There are no consolations prizes

You don’t get a ribbon

Or a trophy

You simply get what your handed and make the most of it.

Everything you touch turns a pale gray.

In the end, even they ugly things turn their backs away.

“Someone should call the police,

Someone should organize a committee”

But nobody wants things to get done.

I am too lazy

And my chair might miss my fat ass’s company.

Last night, she said

your lips tasted like that cool beer you just drank
and i was drinking them like an alcoholic still drunk from the night before.
You cut me off of your kiss to sober me up for the sex.
you were holding my hands and rubbing them across your body
breathing heavy and licking your lips.
i thought it was cute the way you kept whispering
"don't cum in me, ok?"
"ok, i won't"
"Promise?"
"I promise"
i kept my promise
and we kept going for it
then we finished and fell asleep and woke up to your arms around me
trying to kiss me
but this time i withheld because my breath stank of old beer and stale cigarettes.
But i gave in anyway hoping that you would understand and i kissed you for a good
while until you told me that you were tired and hadn't slept much and wanted to go home.
So i kissed you one last time and gave you a hug and let you go on your way to sleep
alone on the floor, leaving me to dream.

Couldnt take off her shirt, cesarian scars and stretch marks

Mommas got her baby
and baby makes you smile
worth the weight in rape
it took to bare the child
sexy sexy momma
you are still young and wild
gonna dye your hair
to find a man to match its style
Momma made you horney
but you couldnt get it up
its a sad strange world
when the liquor
thinks quicker
than the heart

On Tour Now

Either wait for my return or come and find me

Either way i am on the road once again
this time to Draw and Story tell my dreams.
On tour to whoever picks me up on the side of the freeway

Finger Vomit

3 dreams of nonsense intermixed with some sort of significance

Reverend taught me how to pull shots of coffee and told me all about your Jesus.

I carried a teddy bear through the apocalypse just to tell you that things will be okay.

I Swam through the rivers of hell to merge with the oceans of heaven.

The angles tell me I am committing Resticide.

I don’t even know what that means.

My subconscious has a fucked up sense of humor….

Waking life isn’t much different either.

The fates have some crazy magic tricks up their sleeves.

Forthcoming Dadaist innovation proclamation: stay apathetic

Stay asleep

I hate collections

debt collectors always make me sound like I am the asshole.

god damn it.

lady tells me that this shit is court ordered, that a sheriff can come over to my house and look through all my stuff and sell what he wants.

"If i were you i wouldn't want people to sell all my stuff.

i told her to look see, i don't really have much stuff, and the stuff i do have isn't really sellable. they can try if they want.

"You really don't seem worried about this whole thing do you?" she says.

"I'm really not, " i say tiredly (she woke me up from a wonderful nap...)
"well if it were me i would be worried.
are you working so you can pay it off?"
"no, i have just quit my job." i tell her.

"are you looking for another one?"
"Yeah i guess so," i didnt want to get into my personal theology of hitchhiking and such to some lady on the phone, even if she was prying into my life.

this lady was P I S S E D
she had nothing more to say, so she told me good luck with much spite and told me goodbye.

i tried to kindly return the farewell but i was the only one who heard it through the receiver due to the fact that she had rapidly hung up.


I don't get these people, when i have a job i care about it, but i don't let it become my life. after all, its just a job. but i think some people make their job their lives....
thats scary that this lady really "cares" about getting someone else's money back. especially when the place that i owed money to brainwashed me and ripped me off in their own fucking televangelist ways.
Besides what the fuck do they think they will get out of reposessing my stuff?
what are they going to take? My record player? its worth maybe 30 bucks.
my books will only get them another 20$
my clothing maybe another 20$
the bike isn't technically mine, so they cant take that.
the only valuable things i have are my notebooks.
and thats only valuable to me....so they take my 50$ worth of shit for a debt they want me to pay of 1600$
Oh, i see...i really am the asshole.

I didn't bother to call you to tell you the last thing i wrote about you

Now your a vegan

I find it amazing when people are still just as beautiful in real life, as they are in my memory. I can see her face through the glass of the coffee shop I work at, and she walks through the doors. I am in total shock and she puts her money down on the counter without looking up, counting the various one dollar bills that she pulled from her pocket.

Half Navaho girl looks up at me with her green eyes and looks like she just went into shock. "Oh…Hey, it's you."

"Yeah, it is. It has been a while." I say.

"Sure has…"

We make small talk and start asking how the other has been sense the 3 months we haven't talked. She still works at the health food store, and I told her about my living in Portland. I got the feeling that she was feeling a bit more relaxed than the nervous first glance, so I pull out a slip of paper from the credit card machine and start writing down a series of numbers.

"This is my phone number at my parents house. You should really call me sometime," I say and hand the slip of paper to her.

"Alright, I should give you my number too." She starts looking around for a pen.

"I already have your number," I told her, and she looked right up at me. "I thought I would save it from last time in case I needed it for some reason."

"You never called me back," I saw her sorrow dangling in the air like an apathetic tear drop about to fall. "I guess I don't blame you."

"Yeah…" was all I could say. I wanted to say sorry but I know I wouldn't mean it, and she wouldn't accept it.

"Really though, lets get together." I said.

"Alright, I come down to Utah County at least once a week for my job, and I am going to move to Orem soon."

I gave her the vegan coffee drink I improvised for her and told her it was on the house. She tried to tip, and I tried to refuse, and she placed the money in the jar anyway.

As I watched her walk out of the coffee shop I couldn't help but remember the last thing we told each other three months ago.

"I'm getting really fucking angry grant."

"Fine," I told her. "I'll just walk from here."

A block away I wrote exactly how I felt on a near by electric meter.

'I always pick FUCKING losers'

I heard somewhere it was good advice to not believe eveything that you read. The same might be true about the things you write or say...
In anycase, i hope i was wrong about that one.

I bit your jaw and liked it

You somehow managed to come down to the coffee shop today. You walked into my store and the bell rang so I walked over to the counter and saw your face hidden behind a large pair of sun glasses. So I walked away into the back and brought you over your necklace that meant so much to you, as well as a birthday present of a book im not sure if you will ever read. You told me that you were leaving to California today to look at a house your mother and her husband were looking to buy. That jump in my heart when I saw you from the back of the room plummeted at that moment and I tried to keep a straight face. I’m not sure if it worked, but you kept talking like it did. I was talking to you over the bar and you asked me if I was ever going to come over to give you a hug. In my confusion I walked around to the other side to the lobby and met you near the entrance. You put down the book and gold chain necklaces that sported a wooden anchor as well as the wrapped up and drawn on book I gave to allow your arms to reach the circumference of my body. I leaned in for a kiss but I guess you just wanted the hug because you dug your head right into the soft spot of my neck. We hugged maybe three times and on the last one I did manage to bite your jaw line (which I happen to know you like) and give you a kiss on your cheek. You seemed to look pleased and my heart melted a little bit. Then you left, and my hopes tried to find a safe place in my heart to crawl into.

I’m not exactly sure why I insist on recreating these moments in written word, but it seems important some how. Maybe it’s because these moments are very beautiful and I’m constantly looking for the beautiful moments in my life. Those are the ones that always seem to fade first when I’m crying in the crevasse of my bed with no one to hold on to, or a shoulder to rest my head on. Maybe its for an entirely different reason all together.

Maybe its because that was the last time i would be able to say goodbye to you

Falling in love is wonderful untill you hit the ground

I have decided that I don’t know you well enough to say that I like you as much as I thought I do. So I guess that I’m going to have to throw sticks into rivers by myself. I jump into things way to quick just like you fell into that river the first time that we got drunk together.

Maybe I’m feeling a bit too emotional, but I really don’t get why you haven’t returned my emails, or call me back when you say you will. I guess a granola man in a purple shirt spends most of his time learning how to love in his dreams but can never translate that emotion to the real life. I am just so scared of taking things too quick, but at the same time I’m scared of never going anywhere.

All I want is a person that will take me to the river and stare at the fish. I don’t want to sit at home anymore and wait for your phone call, and look out the window waiting for your car to arrive. When the night comes and turns the sky to orange and I find myself wrapped up in my blankets alone I start to get a little bit sad.

There is just too much going on in my life these days like angel visions and post hitchhiking syndrome of wishing I was lost in the middle of nowhere. At least in those moments I feel beautiful and I wouldn’t be able to explain it to anyone so I don’t feel so bad all alone.

I did manage to steal you a book from downtown. I shoved it down the back side of my pants and walked out the door without being inhibited. That was yesterday, and I managed to finish reading it this afternoon. The whole time I was waiting for a phone call or something.

I think my problem is that I get let down to easy, and that I am extremely sensitive. I could force myself to ride my bike and let the summer air purge my head of this heartache, but Im scared that I would miss your call.

I feel that I am a hopeless cause with the way that I am. If you could call me and work it out with me that would make me feel better. At least tell me if you still like me. If you do then tell me a time I could come over. If you don’t then tell me what we are….

If your scared then I will tell you that I feel the same, and that will be that.

Chani

I remember when we were both really drunk and didn’t want to watch zombie movies anymore at our mutual friend’s house. You told me that you had two long boards in the back of your trunk and asked if I wanted to ride with you for a while. I was very intimidated as well as drunk but I decided to accept so we went outside and started to roll down the street. It was getting pretty dark and normally I am pretty scared of skating in the dark but I didn’t this time because you seemed really confident and I trusted you.

We found a small little river and I said that I wanted to sit by it and you told me that you wanted to go into it, so we took off our shoes and I rolled up my pants but you kept yours rolled down. You fell right down into the river up to your waist and I helped you back up and we sat down and I asked you what you wanted to do with your life and you gave me the best answer I have ever heard because I thought the same thing. And I kissed you on the lips and you kissed really well but I was really drunk and kind of forgot how to move my lips as well as I normally would sober. So I stopped because I was embarrassed but I think you looked a bit disappointed when I pulled away.

We skated back to our friends house and we both had a bit more to drink and you started feeling really sick so we went to Mc Donald’s to get you some food. The whole way you were digging into your best friends hands and curled up into a ball on my lap and I held on to you because I didn’t know you were going to get that sick and I was afraid of the way our friend was driving. I kept whispering in your ear that everything was going to be ok, and I’m not sure if you heard me saying that but it doesn’t matter because you made it through. So we got back to our friends house and we fell asleep with you in my arms.

I woke up sober still thinking you were beautiful and wanting to kiss you more than ever.

I rent the ocean (part two)

As for the water of the after life

You must go into the ocean and merge.

To become one with all that is alive

And return to your sacred mother earth.

Once your heart is pure, and intent is there,

Wade out towards eternity’s resting place

Thus allow yourself to merge to its care

To be one with all; let liquid embrace.

Evaporate into the clouds up high

To fall below anew as precious rain,

And recycle into a brand new life

Just to stimulate the cycle again.

And as the soul and water become one

Earth is survived through reincarnation

Steph wrote this for me

I had this friend
I don’t remember when
He was a wanderer,
He traveled all over.
He played the harmonica
And sometimes worked at coffee shops.
He’d read large books that made no sense,
And speak of how the world was so fragile, and had grown so thin.
He had a tattoo of a symbolic goat on his arm
And on the other the words Awake.
He got it when he finally realized he had been living his whole life asleep.
The seams of our friendship were fringed and unraveled at times.
And sometimes we would lose ourselves amongst the rapture of lives waves.
I will never forget him
And the music in his car.
The fragmented sentences that made us who we are.
Where did he go?
I’m not quite sure.
Will I see him again?
I hope so.

Pills

This is the pill popping generation

Bring on your head aches

Your insomnia

And lack of ambition sicknesses

We got the cure for the lonely of heart

As well as the voices in your head.

Eat too much junk food?

Pop a pill and let the dietary supplement

Take your body for a ride.

Fuck your health food and exercise programs

Fuck your inadequacy and depression down time

No need to actually do something with your life

Just take a pill and keep sitting on your ass

You fucks

Gods words leak out my mouth

I am a sieve of liquid spirituality

Ocean Sonnet

For in a dream I came upon a gate,

The threshold in which life had surely ceased.

A man with keys to guard each mortal’s fate,

Granting all to come upon heavens beach.

Inside the gate I walked in crystal sand,

Each grain sparkling like the stars up high.

I could reach downward and hold in my hands,

The constellations of the night time sky.

I could not tell the beginning from end,

The pigment of ocean and heaven blue.

Where perception and comprehension blend,

Resting together as one married hue.

For once the spirit and body have spliced,

All souls shall travel to this paradise.

American Girl

I met a girl today,

And she spoke as if she

were trying to sell me something.

As If she were handing out pamphlets

On how to be saved by

God

Or your own devices.

I met an American girl

who liked to drink and go to church.

Shouting slurred halleluiahs,

And shooting her demons away

with a bottle of whiskey.

But one day she drowned her soul

In that which she thought would save her.

So she nailed herself to the cross she preached of,

and hung in shame there after.

I guess it’s the same

With the bottle and God;

You turn to both when

The times get hard.

im fucking sick of poetry

Fragments

It’s a hard time to live

When money is what rules the world

And the only ones who care are the ones who are broke.

 

I am constantly confronted by the beasts of the woods

They bare not just teeth

But my sinful secrets.

How will I ever make it through hell?

I haven’t a poet to guide me,

Nor human reason to rely on.

How do you make it past the She-wolf

When she could tear you apart at any moment?

Mama wolf is angry

I have been a bad cub

Rejected from the pack

Black cub

In the death trap.

dot dot dot

Back space

Erased and then written over

It is the space I have been in for the last few weeks

I have filled in a point in my life with a white

Blank space.

The future is something awful

And the past is just as tragic

If I close my eyes i can be comfortable in the static.

The human condition is similar to the common cold

I am constantly loosing faith in humanity.

When a blind girl waits at a bus stop with burn scared hands

And a medical bracelet with the name Martha

And three people walk by

She calls them and asks for help

two walk over

one sits on the curb making faces.

she makes a few phone calls and waits for the bus.

One who walked over does a dance to test her blind.

No one trusts anyone else anymore.

Im surprised she even took the gamble to ask.

Knowing the way people go these days,

I wouldn’t have.

Memories

I remember being young, and going out to play in between the trees in the park next to my house. And I would talk to each of them, and I knew them, and they knew me. Each tree had its own personality, as well as a soul.

My sisters and my friends and I would go and play in this park that we lovingly dubed “The Court” due to it being in the middle of our houses on Baylis Crt.

We would play lots of games, but one of our favorites was playing “T.V Tag”

This was a game where one person would be “It” and the rest of us would run around and try not to get touched by “It”. If they got close, you could fall down to the ground and say the name of a television show. My older sister and I were sneaky, and liked to trick my younger sister, and always tell her made up television shows. My younger sister had this stuffed bear that she carried around with her everywhere named Bear Bear. And the best way to trick her in T.V. tag was the made up television show “Bear Bear world”. And my older sister and I would always fall to the ground and shout out “Bear Bear World” and my sister would accept it, without fail, and walk away to chase some one else, and we would laugh at her misfortune.

One day I was “It” and I was chasing my next door neighbor Michael through the trees, and as he was about to sit down to call out the name of a Television show, I tried to tag him, but instead shoved him into a near by tree. The blood started to pool out of his nose. I felt so bad…this was the first time I can remember hurting someone to this severity. I thought he would never be my friend again, I thought he would never forgive me, I thought that I had done something so horrible….

I still feel that way when I hurt people…

Three Poems From Purgatory

I cant be in my own body

I try to escape myself

But my bones are prison bars

And my eyes are broken windows.

I want to be free of my mortality.

I want to cease to exist.

And remain

            A dream.

Depression is just a word until you have felt it.

A smile is just a twitch if you don’t know what it means.

Bring me back to a more simple existence,

Or

            Make

                        Me

                                    God.

---

 

Nature times two,

Mother and Human,

We exist beyond this dimension

In the color schemes of the old era.

We were forged long before eternity began.

Our former masters are now our gods.

As the temple makers,

We would wail as our backs are slashed.

As the new world emerges

We are on bended knees praying for mercy

A diseased growth of flesh on my throbbing temples

And sweat begins to bead on my forehead,

As the plague of god begins to possess me.

BOW!

TO THE GODS!!!

Let their wrath break your spirit.

Let their hells and purgatories

Become your every day parades.

Will you let yourself be smitten by

The hand of Bal?

Which circle of Dante’s hell

Do you belong to?

Falsify your gods!!!

Break your gods!!!

Become your gods!

~~

I am caught in my solipsism

And I cant function behind this belief

That this is all we have.

Even if that is the only truth.

I am starting to look at the world

On a molecular level.

Making my existence

Meaningless.

Who

            Are

                        We

            Now

Then?

I dont think im here anymore

I am instantly ashamed.
Who are these people who stand before me?
i was ashamed.
Lions tigers and bears
Oh My!
Who are these people who stand before me?
I am ashamed.
Stand back and let me travel alone.
I am ashamed.
I am the clown with make up smearing down my face
I am ashamed.
Which fork should I go to?
I am ashamed.
Whose eyes to I peer out of?
I am ashamed.
Leave me in peace, or snuggle up beside me
In my shameful state.
Whose mouth do you speak from?
Whose hands are those that you touch from?
Take this from my hands
My savior,
I was ashamed
And forever have been shamed.

Neopoliton shit

im fried....
there is so much going on man....
we are the loseres who feel like the winers.
we are the seers in place of prophets.
where do we go from here?
we wanted an escape
scapegoat
out
need to leave
a place to call our own.
where do we go from here?
traverse into the cities
find out why we are living?
lets get the fuck out of here
im so sick of leaving
im so sick of staying
i just want to get the fuck out of here
is that to much to ask?
i am the little man, on the side of the hill.
fool
where do you go when you are six feet under ground?
do you at least listen to the worms crawl under the soil?
or do you prefer to rot
and not say a lot
of words
to those around you?
the dirt is a case for your decomposition.
i
am
traveling
through
the clouds
and all i
see
is air
where are we now? now that we see the truth?
god has placed his golden gavel onto the high court.
and we must obey.
fuck
truth
we are free spirits without guidance
we are the once who ask for more
and never recieve less
than what we ask.
who do you think you are?
huh?
mother fucker...
im so sick of this life
im so sick of these fake souls
bouncing around
in this apparatice we call earth
we must forge ourselves into something better.
who
am
i
better
than?
N O O N E!!!
than what do i have to strive for?
N O T H I N G!!!
thats it
that is the meaning
i have been
searching for...

ode, to the cum glued toilet paper on the tip of my penis

I spend all my time

reading bukouski books

and smoking cigarettes

and getting hard-on's.

Retreating to the bathroom

and ejaculating neatly into

the carefully folded toilet paper.

little white pieces cling to my penis

glued with cum.

washing off my gear

and pulling up my pants

to roll another cigarette

and read another book.

Blank and barely above par

Picture yourself in a room

There is a TV in front of you

The lights are dim

And you are sprawled out on a couch

Wishing for an abstract perception

On the city you live in.

 

Where is your mind?

In a place with distractive images flashing

Before your eyes.

You go out at night,

You drink yourself to sleep

Like a bedtime story.

Where is your heart?

You close it off in a box

Along with the other creatures

That Pandora is waiting to open

Into the world.

 

Could it be

That my heart is a sin?

Could it be

That my love is a plague?

i have lost my will to love

I have replaced it with my depression.

These days I don’t know if people really cry anymore

Or if its just a myth people can make fun of.

Sometimes I just want to sit down and let it all out.

Just let all of that pain that is built up inside

Fall in drops of water from my salt stained eyes.

I tried to find those people that cry these days.

 But most people will just sing instead.

I want someone who is so sad that they cant contain themselves

They have to just break down in front of the

Tabloid magazines.

I want to be there in the cereal isle

Making rivers

Culture can never be the same.

Boner

I have been walking around my whole life with a hard-on.

and with that being said, it can be hard to be a feminist,

when your out on the streets.

you start looking at each woman you pass

as a piece of meat.

I'm apprehensive to abstain

even as a vegetarian.

so instead,

i found a good cure:

browsing the adult sex-tion

of the book stores.

and quietly retreating to the bathroom stalls

to masturbate.

Just to walk out ashamed

with a smile on my face.

A good review on Factotum and you.

I'm trying to ignore the laws of attraction.
i liked you better as a picture on my window screen.
i liked you better as a poetry queen.
i somehow depicted you perfect in my dreams.
but not everything is the way that it seems.
Now im getting red in the face
from too much lager.
i read the rest of that Bukouski book that you couldn't finish.
You said that you didn't care for it much.
That it was kind of boring, even.
you "just couldnt get past the halfway point."
Well...
I thought it was fucking Brilliant.

~

Out of focus at the punk rock show.

Sucking on beers already been used.

Still good right?

I thought so...

i also thought about the saliva dripping from your lips;

and how forcibly i grip my pen.

sometimes i think about the future;

and i thought

SHIT...

are people really like that?

and they are.

Survival guide for the unsung hero

invisible as a ghost,

he walks these halls with conviction.

there has been a presence here

and he cant quite put his thumb on it.

slipping through these walls like

spilt water on a floor board.

sifting though the obituaries for clues.

breaking it back down to

scooby doo,

and nancy drew.

Drunk ramblings

I sleep on this futon until someone more important steps in.

all i need is one good meal a day and a few beers to forget how hungry i am,

and everything will be ok.

im sitting in the basement listening to the dance party upstairs.

the movement could be described as an instructional video on the charleston.

i have just finished talking to some girls who intrigued my interest.

it's always a war

gemini's verses aquarius'

Now two people are fucking in the hallways

i don't mind

or are too drunk to care...

...something about a celibate summer

I usually don't wear watches

Here is the Truth

It will never work out between us

because im looking for someone who

is just a little bit less broken than i am,

even though everyone is broken.

and you have a boyfriend who screams,

when he's drunk and hits you

when he sleeps in your bed

cause he thinks your the cop from reno 911

and he apologizes, and you accept cause your

both drunk and you just want the sex 

or to get some sleep.

and all i'm looking for is a girl kind of like

a broken watch

where sometimes you can make our the time

if you know where to fill in the dashes

and remember that occasionally the two

is really a four.

The shakes and jitters are getting to me

from too much coffee and cigarettes 

on an empty stomach

i feel weak, but with too much energy

i feel too passive with an extra scoop of empathy

wandering the streets with a wallet thats empty

i guess i need to have a kerouac mentality

"dont worry little john

there's food

E V E R Y WHERE"

Bloody Dharma

She poised her cigarette
like she would a
bloody rag to her mouth.
catching the coughed up mucus
each drag reminded me of
each breath
stolen with each kiss
shattering each hope
that i could be that thief

The ultimate masochisim

my flesh crawled right off my bones last night
and in a frantic lunge
started to claw and prod
my skin back on to the skeletal structure
with dagger sharp phalanges
taring it away
leaving scraps of flesh
like human jerky scattered
about the floor
and then
almost instinctively
gave up the hopeless effort
of salvation
and thus began to dig my own
burial plot

Travel Prayer

Oh, Discordia!
Oh, Hermes my friend!
Chaotically toss me
from sea to sea
than guide me to land

I could have been blind
and just accept where I'm going
i could have been mute
so i wouldn't resurrect old stories
i could have been deaf
so i couldn't hear the warnings
but i have all my senses
and I'm leaving in the morning.

The ocean of the after life

i had a dream that the after life was this grand ocean that stretch on forever from a beach.and when you died, you would enter this beach and just visit with all of the other souls, until you were ready to merge with the ocean and become one with all.I remember that there were a lot of people that would set up camp on the beach, because they were comfortable just being on the beach for eternity. and that they were to scared to merge with the ocean, and that was ok with everyone. it didn't make much difference.i remember that i didn't set up camp though, i remember i had my sleeping bag and back pack and notebooks. and i would sleep under the stars, because even if it rained there you wouldn't get cold or wet.the reason that i set up camp though, wasn't because i was getting ready to merge, but that i was trying to find a way to get back to life.i felt that i was a traveler in the after life, not a resident.therefore i challenged the gate keepers to a competition.we started to climb this great rocky wall that was the boundaries of the after life.and i climbed and climbed and so did the gatekeeper.Finlay coming out as the victor, i hoped over the wall to life and woke up.

Based on a drunk poem by hana

There is something brilliant about how you drunk type your poetry
Missing letters and adding ones become your flawless inventions
A little girl and a beer can make that
A little dance that lasts forever
You are completely made out of books
Tag lines and short stories
You are uncomfortable about
Those
Damn
Looks
And all I can think about is
Those
Damn
Lips

Clear Static (A Limerick)

It’s like you’re the ghost in the machine.
And I’m watching you through a screen.
The visuals are vague
Like a shadow on a lake,
Because you like to remain unseen.

Alice in Real Life

I’ve been lost for as long as I remember.
I’ve been in wonderland sense birth
I always imagined something bigger
and better
I’ve always lived in a life that
i thought I deserved.
I’ve never been able to stay off the chess board
Though I don’t really know how to play the game
im not quite sure if im the black king or red.
and I wonder which one is really at the reigns.
for everything is double at the mirror
And I wonder if im just the reflection
my world has never looked clear
but that just might be my perception.

Kerouac made it look so easy

Mom dropped me off at the bus stop.
Rode all the way to provo
Walked down to the train yard, only to be greeted by cops
Pigs cant say shit to a man “taking a walk with a clean nose”
Found a place to meditate, and decided to give it another try
Watched the train go by and decided to move to the other side
of the tracks.
I think they saw me the first time cause they got out of the train.
and walked right where I was.
Had a conversation with a couple of horses.
I talked it out and they listened intently.
Decided i would go to Idaho and shortly after Portland.
Walked to the pay phone and called someone to pick me up
Snow drifting down.
At least it wasn’t cold.

Two part poem: Beer and Cigarettes

I laughed and bit my cheek.

Blood began to pool underneath my tongue.

I spit it out, and took another drink.

Inhale another drag of smoke

and stung the sore.

Beer

Blood

And tobacco

was all I could do to keep from laughing more.

Passed out on the couch,

Red drool running down my mouth.

I couldn’t pinpoint the pigment

from the wine or scabbing cells.

Coagulation
-----------
-----------
Smoked most of a pack out of sheer boredom.

Been reading for 7 hours alone

because the sleep wont come.

I can never fill the pit in my stomach.

I can’t drink myself out of being human.

Took a shower to hear the water run.

Listened to Dylan to drown my thoughts

Feet still cold under the blankets,

and I could swear I heard the screen door

open at least a thousand times.

My throat is raw, yet I cough another cloud down.

Bottles everywhere, but not a drop to be found.

Pavlov's Promise

Abrasive in nature
but with a learned apathy.
Monuments erected and
Carelessly shoved aside
to the corner
of her room.
-Blood Stained panties;
for times of the month
where both your body and your
father made you bleed.
-Smoked Cigarettes;
the ones you inhaled
after each tragedy
and suppressed memory.
-The unfinished crossed
out drawings
Loosely bunched together
and bound with twine.
(Your darker moments you
try to hide.)
-the lipstick container
with all its empty glory.
Where its only remnants
trace around the base
of a swollen
penis
one more swallow
and the pain is free
one more swallow
and the bottle is empty

Obsession

Sleeping in medows, amongst the...

I want to frequent where she frequents

I want to visit where she has

And creep like fingers on a keyboard

I have an obsession

We go together like barb wire and blood

Lets make this a pact

To write what we feel and shake out the

Metaphorical bullshit

I want to hold your wrists and tip that bottle

For you

I want to experience the freedoms of masochistic

Poetry

Lets sleep in dumpsters and eat in waste bins

Lets star gaze in cities and profane our upbringings

Lets tell secrets and show privates

Shed awkward skins and crawl on our bellies

We can be balanced and level

the chaotic constilations can be our companions.

I want to stop being antisocial and scared so i can have real friends

Obsession

Without tangibility

A green skirt with orange tights

Masturbating in public

I don't know anybody

To lay down with a dream

But perfection is a mirror

When the mirror is clean