Letter to Chani

heartbreak is hardcore, i just got an email a few days ago, and in it, I unsurfaced a flood of suppressed emotion.
just now i found the courage to email her back...
sometimes, the heart experiences a feeling close to stagnate water, and when a flood comes, everything just seems to wash away with it.
i dont know how to react to life, but a friend told me once, that i shouldnt be ashamed for how i feel.
I still struggle with that, but her telling me brought me a little bit more freedom to finally wash down stream with the river, instead of remaining stagnant.
i dont know if any of this makes sense, but its nice to write it down...

Letter to Chani
First off, i want to make clear
that i don't in anyway hate you.
I couldn't, you were to awesome
to me to give off any sort of feeling
such as that.
Second, i understand exactly why you
didn't call me, answer my emails, speak to me, et cetera.
I figured sooner or later, that it had to happen,
i just wanted you to tell me.
when you stopped talking to me, i felt
that i did something wrong. you seemed pretty
demanding (quite understandably) to get your necklace back,
and when you wouldnt answer a single email, i thought you
were pissed off at me.
i racked my brains for something i might have done wrong
and the only answer i thought was that (not to mention
i took you on some pretty lousy dates)

I really liked you...a lot.
I understood that you had to leave, I am in a constant
state of leaving myself, and i understood the need to get out of here.
it took me a while to deal with the excitement that you showed towards me and the silence that followed.
i ended up doing a lot of writing, i jumped on a freight train....i left for a week to clear my head.
it took me a while to deal with that....
even then, when you emailed me i didnt know what to do.
a flood of suppressed emotions just fell from my pours and left me in wonder.
thus the reason it has taken me this long to write back...

i miss hearing from you. I wanted so many times to write you and ask you how California was treating you, but i figured you didn't want to talk.

as for the book, i didn't really expect you to read it.
but im glad you appreciated it. i was thinking about it a few days before and remembered a part about how the main character, Charlie, had a wonderful feeling. the feeling he said was one that "made him feel infinite" and thats the way i would describe our adventures together, lame as it sounds.

and last of all, you dont need to apologize for what you did, though i appreciate it.
no one should ever feel bad for the way that they feel.
emotion is something that should be free, you shouldn't restrain yourself even if it ends up hurting in the end...

My address is 12 east 1400 north, american fork, utah 84003
and my number, should you decide to call me, is 801-756-5973.

i still think of you, we had some wonderful times together.