i ate snow off of his grave.
i just needed something to make me feel apart of life again.

From my journal this time last year.

oday I walked to a well known sporting goods store to inquire about a job. I walked in, talked to the cashier, picked up an application and walked out to find a warm place to fill it out.

Stopping at the neighboring movie theater to sit on the bench inside, I was approached by a homeless looking fellow who promptly sat his stuff three inches away from where I was sitting.

"Selling your soul to the movie theater, are we?"

"Actually, its for Big 5 next door"

"All the same," he smirked "a soul is still being sold"

He went on to tell me about Working class rights, and how our we as the government weren't doing our part to make our country better.

"Read your constitutional rights," he said. "RON PAUL FOR 2008!"

I thanked him for the conversation after finishing the application and walked back into the sporting goods store.

"Your Back!" the plump cashier said to me.

"I told you I would be."

"Do you have a second?"

"Sure, I don't see why not"

She called out the store manager, a slender man with tired eyes and a obviously fake smile that said "I hate my job".

"So you are the one inquiring about a job." like he had nothing else to say.

"Yes I am" I replied in the same fashion.

He led me back to the counter where the store kept the knives and guns, and had me fill out a math comprehension test so easy an illiterate monkey could have passed. After the test he started going over job duties. Mindless, Soulless….

After that he looked me up and down and described the dress code.

I was wearing my usual street clothes. The only kind of clothes I really have, Band tee-shirt, blue Jeans, Running shoes, beanie cap, and my organic wooden gauges. (I flipped my Septum ring into my nose)

"No facial piercings, no earrings, those plugs will have to be taken out, no visible tattoos, No street shoes. Hair must be combed and neat, no blue jeans, no tee-shirts, et cetera. The standard work outfit here is what we call 'Professionally dressed' This includes button up dress shirt, Tie, Slacks, dress shoes, that sort of thing"


The previous conversation with the homless man flooded my mind.
Pretty much everything that makes you an individual is stripped right out of you in order to prostitute yourself to make a few extra bucks.

He handed me some extra papers and told me to bring them back when I had filled them out and I would have the job. I took the papers, filed them neatly in my backpack and thanked him kindly for his time.

After making a pit stop at a gas station for a lighter, I headed straight for the nearest park. I pulled out a Permanente marker that I carry around with me and the papercliped pile of papers to write in big black letters on the back:

"FUCK YOU, YOU SICK CAPITALIST BASTARDS

You don't get to have my soul"

I took out the new lighter, ripped the paper a couple times, lit the pages on fire, and threw it into the nearest fire pit. I sat and watched the flames gobble up the pages hungrily, devouring each blank in which I was supposed to sign away my life for petty cash.

Once the flames died down and embers burned most of the paper away, I decided it was time to go. Knowing the only appropriate way to make sure that the fire wouldn't burn down the park, I pissed all over the still smoldering pages.

Four days later i stopped by the park to retrieve my application, and dropped it off on the steps of the corporation.

This was the most liberating feeling I had felt in months, and thus i was able to keep my soul for at least another day.

Rabble Rabble Rabble.

I can feel the bones in my fingers crawling up towards my skin.
Im scared i will never feel normal again.
I am always relying on some sort of mediaction.
ditch the cigarettes, hit the anxiety pills.
Three days without and i can feel the withdrawls.
i drove for an hour straight in the dark.
i was driving fast. i never drive fast.
i tore apart my closet (not that you can tell).
I can't find my emergency abilify pills. i wonder if they would even help?
A few years ago i went crazy.
I started blacking out and talking in tongues. i would see things that weren't there.
When i was a kid i had another person in my body. i called him jack. one night i got black out drunk and tried to tell this kid with "jack" spray painted across his car why that was important to me. I couldn't make out the words, he asked me about it later. i didn't want to talk about it.

I am not well.

I had the music up in the car as high as it would go. i had to scream. i didn't know the words so i would wait for a moment where it was quiet and filled the gaps.

A few years ago i felt like this, but worse. I was completely sober at that point.
i would drive around and waste my gas money. i was wishing for an accident. it never came, at least not in car form. i told a friend about how shitty i felt all the time. he told me about a place that could help me. Self help sounded better then self mutilation. I joined a cult. and quit my anti depressant meds.

Many months later i woke up. i got a tattoo to commemorate the occasion. it said awake!

Awake!
The sky is set aflame!
and all that was once of god has returned to loving arms.
In this barren state we break off the branches of willows to burn the bodies of the damned.

That was my rebirth.
I was finally free.
I couldnt stand the sight of my 3 ring note book i kept all of my cult training info in any longer. one night at work, after everyone left the building and dark covered me in disguse, i made a frantic judgement.
Scene one, a portraite of gasoline
scene two, a back pack unzipped
scene three, an empty dumpster.
scene four, an open flame.
Before i knew it i combined all four, soaked the binder in gasoline in the dumpster and set it ablaze.
The thought dawned on me 30 seconds after that i had nothing to put it out with and ran inside, franticly finding 5 gallon buckets and filling them with water.
the dumpster didn't stop smoking for 5 hours after.
The next day i was on my toes all day, waiting for my boss to tell me i was fired, but she never called me in. Still to this day i don't think anyone but me ever saw my past burn.


Good, i have clammed down a bit more.
i think i will be ok now.

Paxil problems.

I am not feeling quite as human as i am used to.
It feels like I've grown three extra inches underneath my skin.
I am unsatisfied with those around me as i walk into a crowded room.
I feel as if i should fear for my life,
and eye contact could end up a life or death situation.
i started driving what seems hours ago,
but the clock reads 20 min have passed.
There are tears in the bay of my eyelids,
and my cheeks wont pause from constant quivering.
What is wrong with me?

define

I am A statement conveying fundamental character;
neither the meaning or in context.
Just,
the statement in question,
and the achievements and failures of That in question.

redone

Black widow,
Let your arms surround me.
though your fangs are cold,
my marrow is enough to withhold.

Black widow,
I heard you on your web
whispering to your spitted twine.
The vibrations sang out the most lovely melody
which is how you catch your flies.

Black widow,
I have done what you've asked.
My body now struggles to the point of submission
but the comfort becomes a cast.
All of our promises become in-genuine
To be wrapped up in your web,
Lulled to sleep,
-Blankets-
tucked in.

Black widow,
My heart will be poisoned
and I will have to die.
you'll need another boyfriend to devour
so you can have somewhere to hide,
After I.

Painted in nausea, sculpted from tears

O!
That i am wretched,
Asleep in starvation.
Transparency was a con mans outlook,
a series of tricks and dreams.
but upon awakening
the transformation left me as empty
as in slumber.
ostracism became a general formality
and i am no better off in her arms
then alone.

people i owe money to.
utah state-290$
mom and dad-40$
Rachael-20$

things i have to do with money i dont have yet.
New License-25$
More minutes for phone-30$
a place to live in provo-potentially 350$

things i want but will have to wait forever to get.
Carhart overalls-55$
alcohol-free to infinity $
Cigarettes-5$
Harmonica-5$

ways to get around in the meantime.
Sleep under bridges and squat in abandoned houses
dumpster food and carry around a lunch box for continual source of food.
carry around books to keep me entertained.

ways to make money in the meantime of working for checks.
Selling my plasma (Cellular prostitution)-25$ at a time
Stealing clothing from DI and selling it to Plato's Closet- 20$ a time
Busking with a harmonica (When i get one)-a bite to eat and a dollar movie
Hanging out in spanish fork and fly a sign.-sky is the limit

i cant believe having a job is forcing me to be homeless for a while.
this will be interesting.

Cave Quake

Beyond Good and evil,
a door slams.
my body shakes in convulsing sickness,
and I retrace my footsteps until i find the place
where I played god.
My mother was a cave
and I was nourished
in her womb;
Birthing out to
fire, and the totality
of my jealous mistress.
Somewhere along the lines
i thought i could save myself.
Instead i become feeble,
and savior reveals itself
as just another word
for adultery.

Upon Awakening.

The free fall of awakening:
Vision mocking white noise, until
my eyes open to carpet and bread crumbs.
I am silent on the ground,
as i remember the sound, and feeling,
of air running
past my ears and through my hair.
Hands catch the warm currents,
and pass back into cold.
My eyes watered by the sharp sting
of the wind in my face,
only to be conscious again
and know only of sad tears.
What once was beautiful,
is now lost.
Dreams fade every day,
leaving scars in familiar landmarks.
I still feel the undertow,
and the ocean is still apart of me;
as i have yet to merge
and let it take hold.

Squid

When the squid are brought into conscious evolution
I will demand equal rights
I will hold up a sign in front of their universities and scream, holding a sign.
“People are squid as well”
and demand free education and health care.
Because insurance will be fraudulent
and I wont see a single dime I spent into their vortex.
I will look into their glossy eyes and slap away their tentacles.
and demand justice.
“WE HAVE BEEN HERE FOR CENTURIES; AND NOW THAT YOU HAVE EVLOVED, YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME INTO OUR LIVES AND SHOW US UP BY HAVING BETTER HEALTH CARE AND EDUCATION?”
and I will tell them that they are jerks and don't care about lesser evolved species such as I.
The squid will telekineticly communicate back to me to shut up and get back in my place as a lesser being.
Homo-sapien-sapien
And I will quietly do so.
Because I will be surrounded by so much apathy,
I wont be allowed to feel bad about anything.

So, we set out for obscurity

Drinking in the movie theater, wine and gin.
drive home, drunk, and your hair glows green with
the digital clock.
You look more beautiful with each minute displayed.
Drinking in the basement, wine and gin
sleeping with the fishes, I also breath liquid in.
you finished me off with each passing kiss.
Baseball pants with stains, of wine and gin
my face illuminated by computer light
when you told me you missed me
you were right
you were right.

Birds of paper

I wake up to the pigs getting fat off my name
Rolling a cigarette I remember last nights dream.
You were in the bathroom feathering your hair
And I was watching from the doorway entrance
Caught in your reflections gaze.
I wake up to the Paramedics checking my pulse,
Calculating time of death.
There were origami cranes in my sleep last night
That sent you messages in the wind.
Now I'm sitting on the side of the road
listening to squeals and sirens.

Deprivation

Yesterday,
I was living vicariously through other people.
Secondhand.
Giving praise and reaping the wheat.

Today,
im sitting in the pew of a house built to god.
Still huffing on secondhand smoke
sharted out of someone else's ass.

Tomorrow,
I will give existential despair personification.
And I will give that lazy bum a job
cleaning port-a-potties or digging graves.

Yesterday,
I sent my insecurities out to sea,
a message in a bottle confirmed that
they were doing fine without me.

Today,
I gave my sexuality an allowance
but found myself severely in debt.

Tomorrow,
repetition will take control,
and I will forget how to start over...

On this day, I sold truth for a common obscurity.
Life gave me lemons,
and I mixed them with gin.

Throwing up the most beautiful venomous spiders

Black widow,
crawling up my arm, you ask me a favor.
(Your many eyes winking in my direction.)
You want to tuck me into the bed
that you let your body wined.

Black widow,
This is the last night in my own skin.
Will you sleep with me tonight, without your bite?
I'm so cold,
and your venom sends chills down my spine.

Black widow,
I saw you on your web last night-
whispering to your spitted twine.
The vibrations sang out the most lovely melody
which is how you catch your flies.

Black widow,
your red scar speaks
Time will run out before you die.
you need another boyfriend to skin alive
so you have somewhere you can hide.

Mrs. and Misses

Behold our Romance!
It isn't warming any longer.
(Your hands touched my chest and I shivered)
You are the cold winds coming in from the southern hemisphere
You are the fortune of the gypsy woman's tarot.
What you lay upon me is becoming.
My mind is starting to turn,
and my legs are in motion.
Two shots of whiskey and now, I am the soothsayer.
I am dreaming of world
where we
are in love.
Two shots of whiskey and you are the dragon slayer.
With one thrust to the heart
you are a widow maker
you are justified.
I
can't
walk
through
reality
much
farther...
Imagination ends when you take off her clothes

Thread and Soil

Spring comes again vomiting cold winds.
The trees ask the grass-
“where have you buried my leaves?”
She has gathered them up to sew herself a dress,
covering herself in thread and soil.
Winter is on the rebound, frosting over the trees
she is making sweaters in multi colors
to protect them from the freeze
The sun sets a reflective smile of
orange and brown,
matching the glow of her autumn gown.

being-

........

I've treated myself both as god and
creation.

Giving offerings to myself as if im
sacrificing something.

But today, I will simply exist.

I looked for god in the sky and found
the sun

I looked in my soul and found my own
heart

I looked in your touch but found only
your sweet sex.

Today I found what I was looking for.

There is no god in me,.

I can not stand outside myself and look
for help.

I am not god because god works with
buttons and levers

I am not god because god works behind
the curtains

If I want something done

I'll have to do it myself.

Out in the open

I am not god,

because I am man.

perfect

i said "Hey, wanna go out with me? i will treat you real nice...?
she said "Maybe, there are somethings that we need to work out before we are together"
i said "i know i make you feel awkward when i leave you; and the sex we have is always embarrassing. what if we fixed that?'
she said "Maybe, yeah. if we can work that out we can go out. it wont be perfect, but love never is.
Work it out quick ok?"

r.

i went home last night at 6:00 and my mom was really sick. she told me to go take a shower because i smelled like cigarettes real bad. so i shaved in the shower and left it patchy.
i passed out pretty soon after that because i didnt know what else to do with myself.
in my dreams i still felt embarrassed and could almost taste your menthol kisses.
i woke up this morning with a patchy beard and a nicotine craving for menthol cigarettes....i miss you too.

Oh...sorry, i didnt quite catch that.

You're passed out in the living area of your college appartment
Sleeping bag zipped up to your neck to keep from the cold.
You're looking for protection, affection, a standing ovation.
Telling yourself every chance you get, Im bad news...
(Shrug)
My Heart and Ego are trying to occupy the same place.
Labor Costs have been cutting us down
and one of the two have to be let go....
(Fuck)
One pulls a knife and stabs the other dry.
The victor leans in real close and whispers-
"I never could have done this without you"
He walks over to his sleeping body...Dreaming
Pulling out miles of veins to bind them together.
With too much thinking and feeling, one never has much time
for eating and exercise.
Inverse

what....?!?!

shave.......be responsible for once.
its hard to stand up for yourself in this world.
i told her, "i love how the fog rises from the lakes in winter."
she smiled and told me that sometimes the ducks stay all year
"They look like Ghosts in the water"
Oooo...your real cute
i blush and move closer to those lips
never getting full understanding of their anatomy.
she is so beautiful...
but the job i work makes me feel inferior-
somehow it doesn't matter.

???

lately i have been feeling that there is more than being human
but this body is all i have ever known
and through these human eyes i have seen the world around me
and with this human heart have i only felt
but im my dreams i am something more
and i cant seem to comprehend
what more can there be?

round two

if i had any sexyness still inside me
it left with my mother opening the door to me masturbating
it doesn't help that last night
you sat inside me
and i tried to move, but was immobilized
by your cuteness
and lack of social skillz
most men are just looking for something to stick it in
and im not going to say im not sex crazy
but the awkwardness is something more
for me
to step aside
the sexual
aspect
and look at a bigger picture

what? no way, you cant be seriouse

having sex with you is like a death wish for blue balls.
you sat on top of me for 10 minutes, and i was still inside.
i held my hands over my face out of embarrassment
awkward love begets awkward sex
the most awkward sex ever