Rabble Rabble Rabble.

I can feel the bones in my fingers crawling up towards my skin.
Im scared i will never feel normal again.
I am always relying on some sort of mediaction.
ditch the cigarettes, hit the anxiety pills.
Three days without and i can feel the withdrawls.
i drove for an hour straight in the dark.
i was driving fast. i never drive fast.
i tore apart my closet (not that you can tell).
I can't find my emergency abilify pills. i wonder if they would even help?
A few years ago i went crazy.
I started blacking out and talking in tongues. i would see things that weren't there.
When i was a kid i had another person in my body. i called him jack. one night i got black out drunk and tried to tell this kid with "jack" spray painted across his car why that was important to me. I couldn't make out the words, he asked me about it later. i didn't want to talk about it.

I am not well.

I had the music up in the car as high as it would go. i had to scream. i didn't know the words so i would wait for a moment where it was quiet and filled the gaps.

A few years ago i felt like this, but worse. I was completely sober at that point.
i would drive around and waste my gas money. i was wishing for an accident. it never came, at least not in car form. i told a friend about how shitty i felt all the time. he told me about a place that could help me. Self help sounded better then self mutilation. I joined a cult. and quit my anti depressant meds.

Many months later i woke up. i got a tattoo to commemorate the occasion. it said awake!

Awake!
The sky is set aflame!
and all that was once of god has returned to loving arms.
In this barren state we break off the branches of willows to burn the bodies of the damned.

That was my rebirth.
I was finally free.
I couldnt stand the sight of my 3 ring note book i kept all of my cult training info in any longer. one night at work, after everyone left the building and dark covered me in disguse, i made a frantic judgement.
Scene one, a portraite of gasoline
scene two, a back pack unzipped
scene three, an empty dumpster.
scene four, an open flame.
Before i knew it i combined all four, soaked the binder in gasoline in the dumpster and set it ablaze.
The thought dawned on me 30 seconds after that i had nothing to put it out with and ran inside, franticly finding 5 gallon buckets and filling them with water.
the dumpster didn't stop smoking for 5 hours after.
The next day i was on my toes all day, waiting for my boss to tell me i was fired, but she never called me in. Still to this day i don't think anyone but me ever saw my past burn.


Good, i have clammed down a bit more.
i think i will be ok now.