Slow, movement, Lullabye and closure

We spoke so slow, by the tree.

I was feeling a bit slosh and you,

You were smiling at the people passing.

I asked you a world of questions

You seemed to answer them all

And we left it at that to start lip making.

Movements so slow, I liked that

And you moved your hand onto mine

We were only a small part of that night.

You lay on the couch

Pulled down to make a bed

And I placed my hand over yours

With our eyes closed.

Your breath

Inhale

Exhale

I counted each one

We were just strangers in this moment

And you felt my eyes on your hair.

Movement

Slow Like before

And the lips made their own

Again

Your friend drove you home

And I, the same

We passed our goodbyes with eye contact and each others name.

Awake Revamped

Awake!!!
the sky is set aflame
and all that was once of god

Will rise and fall with the sun

Within this barren state
we break the branches of willows

Striking ourselves in disobedience
Then pilling our flagellants

To build funeral pyres for the damned.

I saw a message in the clouds

Spelling out something subtle

Both esoteric as well as sacred it read to me as:

AWAKE!
My angles have abandoned me

And my demons never cared

They were figments in my head after all

They were never really there.

what’s a man to his soul?
and what being might i be
that i might be sold?
Awake...
the time has come
to reclaim
the heavens
and earth...
And yet that word still rings strong in my ears
AWAKE!
I saw it in a strangers eyes
Awake...
I heard it in between his words
AWAKE!
I’ve yelled out on the corner of streets
I’ve screamed out to the waters of silence
and yet no one breaks quiet.
(Awake)

I rent the ocean, part three

I slept under the stars and moon above

With a blanket I brought along the way

No tent did I erect for safeties glove

For the rains were always warm on my face

I awoke to the multitude cheering

And my tired eyes opened to the scene

Another man traversing the clearing

Immersing him self in the water clean

When he could touch the bottom no longer,

He dipped his body beneath the ocean.

Using each wave as a sacred alter,

A baptism to prove his devotion.

At the moment he fell beneath the waves

He was liberated as fleshes slave.

Mechanical Masturbation

I masturbated at least five time yesterday.
i touched myself to at least 50 porn websites.
Each one had pictures and videos of women who would moan when the man got close to her.
She would say things like "I love to eat married Cock." and "Oh, professor, get your dick in deeper."
And the guy would just stand there with his dick out of his pants pumping away, no skill involved.
The last time, I got bored of looking at the porn so i turned the computer off with my dick still in my hand.
i went to the shower and turned the water on to a comfortable temperature. I striped off my clothes and walked into the shower and started to rub my penis up and down very fast as i was accustomed to doing.
i could feel the climax coming very soon, so i started to pump myself harder.
Finally i let it all go, and i felt a moan rise from my throat. then i thought of that woman in the video i saw earlier, and i felt embarrassed. then i looked at my hand pumping the sticky white sperm out of my urethra, and i felt mechanical.
i washed off my body with a bar of soap and turned off the water. i dried myself and put on some clothes from the hamper that didn't smell as bad as the others.
I looked around my room and realized that i was the only one there, and that made me sad.

The Death Of Zombie Cat

In a half an hours time, i will be going to the vet to put down my zombie cat.
im surprised that he has made it this long, he is around 18 years old. i got him when i was three.....
he has known everything i have ever known, grew up all the places that i have...
and now i have to deal with his death....
thats really strange to me
im really sad to see him go, these last few months have been strange too, he has started to get more affectionate, the only problem is that every time i touch him i feel like im going to break his bones.
he came into my house last night and when my dad picked him up to put him back out into the garage (thats where he lives) my dad had a large bloody spot on his shirt. that cat seems like he is in so much pain, he eats constantly but never gets fatter, i think he has worms, and they are starving him to death.
This is the first pet i have had to put down.....
i feel really weird about it

Lion cub and train pirates dream

I jumped on a train and it took me to Portland.

When I got there I met up with all my old friends who relocated their house closer to the train tracks. The trains would come twice a day and my friends would jump from their roof and onto the speeding trains. These trains were filled with food and necessities to live and they would throw these necessities off of the trains to the others and they would catch the food. We all ate very well, and rent was cheep because of the train tracks, so no one had to work that hard to make the rent. And they would all take turns supporting the low rent cost.

My dad came up from utah to drop off some of my stuff. And (I was going to room with hana) I was setting up my room when he knocked on the door and I answered and he came in with boxes and trashcans to clean up the packing mess.

We unpacked all of the boxes and he was trying to throw them away, and he kept looking at the screen and assuming it was pornography. But it was something that hana said was nostalgia tokens that she cut from various movies and things she recorded. I remember these nostalgia tokens were almost everywhere I went in the dream and I would stop and look at them from time to time. Like when I went outside to take the garbage out and my dad tried to place the cardboard in the trash instead of recycling and I told him that people were very adamant about recycling around here and so was I, and he told me that I was just being hard to work with, and I showed him the nostalgia token TV screen and it started singing about recycling and the importance there of in a cartoon manner. So we went back into the house and my dad said that he had a present for me. And gave me a book entitled: How to raise a baby lion cub.

And I said that I didn’t really need it because I didn’t have a lion cub, and he said that that was the real present, and he brought in this very beautiful black and silver lion cub and hana and I were trying to figure out what to name it and we both said we didn’t like the name stripes (it came up due to the silver stripes on her) because we both had our first cat ever named stripes. So I suggested Claudia and she agreed and I was reading through the book and I read on the inside page why it was important to read this book.

“because it is a baby that needs care,

And it is a dragon on the streets

And It needs to grow up someday and needs to behave.”

I was teaching it not to bite, and hana was starting to fall asleep, when one of our roommates came in and started to pet it, and it playfully bit him. He got very upset and started to try to hit the lion, and I was PISSED, and I rushed over to the lion cub and throw my arms around her, and protected her from the noise and anger of my roommate.

And that’s when I woke up.

letter to chuck

last night i got very emotional with a girl i had feelings for a couple of months ago. we drank quite a bit of gin and i started telling her how scared i was of her, as well as how i feel stupid for feeling the way i do, and that i am learning to forget it.
and then i passed out and woke up and she made me a wonderful vegan breakfast.
im trying to figure out how to be human these days, im trying to understand why i feel things, and im trying to figure out my dreams.
i had a dream the other night that i watched giant dead sheep burning and rolling down the road like tumbleweeds and all i could do was laugh.
last night i dreamed that a girl called me up and said that she missed me, and i told her i didn't know who she was, and so i hung up on her after she told me that she would see me on Thursday and i told her that i still don't know her. so i walked down the street to go to a peyote church meeting and tried to listen to the guy talk, but this drunkard kept talking over him in Spanish, and i couldn't pay attention.
im still in utah, but im trying not to be. im looking for a job, so i can save money and move away, this time indefinably. so when that happens, (3 monthsish i figure)
ill be looking for a place to live in portland.
i miss all of you kids up there.
i have the picture you drew for me on my bedroom wall, and it makes me feel a little bit more at home when i see it.

I taste like salt

I can feel the salt escape me and my nutrients rest in the sea.

This calming release of nature regression helps me fall back to mother water.

See! See! This is why the water is in such high salt saturation.

It is the first few footsteps to our rebirth.

Look at all the bodies leaving their souls; evaporating themselves on to the afterlife.

The ocean welcomes all who wish to be reborn with loving arms;

Cradling them towards the clouds to be rained into the roots of trees.

Consciousness itself eases to its familiar height.

Mother water to mother of birth.

I will become a new born another time

To live another life

And repeat the circle of life.

Letter to a lost generation

Hey Emo girl/Goth girl,

This is the voice of your retired god speaking. I was the boy with the long bangs and the fashionable androgenic barrette, wearing the ‘my chemical romance’ tee-shirt and the saddle bag draped over my shoulder. I was the one with the pretty face that made you question my gender and sexuality. I was the one constantly working on bad poetry in the form of suicide notes. I had my tight ass jeans barely stretching over my apple shaped hinny. I swore off god to you on several occasions but still doubted myself in personal prayer. I wanted the world to change so they could understand my inner angst.

But while in the seemingly height of my godly development, I quickly decided to abandon all spirituality. I figured, ‘In the paths I am walking I can not find ultimate truth, therefore I shall erase all that I have known in body and walk only as pure spirit to find my new godly vessel.’

So I left my old ways as your god, little by little. I lost the emotastic hair style equipped with fashionable accessories and went further into my depression to the point of nothingness. Existential suicide was my goal, and I built a foundation in the nothing to find meaning in the something. Thus your praying eyes and outstretched palms went to new more flashy gods.

‘Thou shalt worship the damned’ became the only motto, and the strive for perfection was only a lost cause. You didn’t want to see things get better, but only improvement of the hell you lived in was your only cause.

Your gods became darker than I could think to become, and I became a nothing. When I came again unto you from the mountains of Sinai with my own tablets of god, you were worshiping the golden calves adorned in the rock and roll attire.

On the point of existential re birth, you wanted nothing left of me. And thus I retired into my own abstract caves of progressive thought.

When your voice cries out in pain from the pointless despair you sunk yourself upon, You will call to me in the words of tears. I will hear your wet prayers and reemerge from my retirement and lead your generation into a new birth.

In the words of the profit Aliester Crowley, “Do what thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law”

And I will lead you to a new era

Sincerely yours,

God

Stale

I’ve reached a stalemate

There are no winners or losers

There are no consolations prizes

You don’t get a ribbon

Or a trophy

You simply get what your handed and make the most of it.

Everything you touch turns a pale gray.

In the end, even they ugly things turn their backs away.

“Someone should call the police,

Someone should organize a committee”

But nobody wants things to get done.

I am too lazy

And my chair might miss my fat ass’s company.

Last night, she said

your lips tasted like that cool beer you just drank
and i was drinking them like an alcoholic still drunk from the night before.
You cut me off of your kiss to sober me up for the sex.
you were holding my hands and rubbing them across your body
breathing heavy and licking your lips.
i thought it was cute the way you kept whispering
"don't cum in me, ok?"
"ok, i won't"
"Promise?"
"I promise"
i kept my promise
and we kept going for it
then we finished and fell asleep and woke up to your arms around me
trying to kiss me
but this time i withheld because my breath stank of old beer and stale cigarettes.
But i gave in anyway hoping that you would understand and i kissed you for a good
while until you told me that you were tired and hadn't slept much and wanted to go home.
So i kissed you one last time and gave you a hug and let you go on your way to sleep
alone on the floor, leaving me to dream.